I do not know why I have not updated this journal since I created it in October. I will not make excuses about my less than due diligence, however. Although I refer to this journal as an account of my daily life as a daydreamer, I never anticipated that I would make daily entries. But I certainly hope to make more frequent entries from here on out.

Part of what has been happening to me in the past month is a realization that I have a serious physical problem, one that affects every movement I make, from walking to even sitting. I have four-level disc degenerative disease, and following a discogram, a top pain medicine specialist who practices locally informed me that I have pain coming from all four bad discs. He explained that normally he would try to get a reading on "normal" pain level on a healthy disc for comparison purposes. But the discogram was so uncomfortable that the doctor decided not to subject me to any more testing once he realized the pain I was experiencing from the four bad discs.

I have been told by more than one surgeon that while they or others could operate on my back, but are quick to add that the operation likely would be unsuccessful. Most surgeons in our city, I am told, wouldn't touch my back. I still may seek another opinion on my surgical options. Unfortunately, this would be a major surgery, and I would be cut open on both the front and back to do the repair work. If the consensus is that any surgery on my back would be a waste of time and money, then I am not going to elect to undergo surgery. To me, it would not be worth it, and I would be better off seeking relief through exercise and meds. (I had a bad experience with surgery once, an emergency C-section when my only child, a son, was born. I won't go into the gory details, but following the C-section, I decided then and there that I would be very careful about subjecting myself to further surgery, especially under circumstances where it is not a life or death decision. And, by the way, my bad experience thankfully did not affect the health of my beautiful golden-boy baby.)

I have, therefore, been concentrating on trying to build up the muscles in my back to provide more support, and the docs are figuring out the meds. I see my GP tomorrow, and I will ask for a slight change in medicine. I anticipated that he would not be willing to allow me to make the change to increase my pain med a little during daytime hours. I discussed the situation with my pain medicine specialist, and he told me he would write a letter to my GP explaining why I need the slight increase in dosage.

I also go back to an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow to hear his final conclusion based on the several tests that have been done on my back. When I first met with him, I told him I wanted additional tests done to see if surgery on one or two of the bad discs could help substantially. This particular surgeon also told me of a doctor who specializes in chronic pain management. I probably will go see this doctor, if the OS will refer me, to see if there are other possible means of relief. For example, I want to ask about the possibility of inserting some type of a spinal stimulator to ease the pain when it's at its worst. If it sounds good, I probably will turn my pain management over entirely to this doctor. Although the other doctors who have seen me, have run tests, and have evaluated test results all agree that I have a really bad back and that my pain level is high, I am not convinced that my GP understands this or accepts this. Despite the results of the discogram and his consultation with the good doctor who performed the test, I still have the gut feeling that he either has no patience with me over this or that he doesn't realize or accept just how great the pain can be at times. Yes, I'm not dying from cancer (thank God), and the cancer patients deserve good pain relief, but I believe the doctor's oath is to help manage everyone's pain, not just those patients who are dying or may be dying, especially when the pain compromises one's ability to lead a good life. (One of my best friends said it best: I need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with my GP. That will happen tomorrow.)

I still don't understand why my back problems came upon me so suddenly and so badly. Until May of this year, I never experienced anything but intermittent back pain, which I was able to relieve just by resting for a few minutes. Then, in early May, I began having very bad, constant pain that literally seemed to run through the bottom half of my body, mainly on the left side. Well, with some physical therapy, I thought the condition was getting better. That's when it REALLY hit me (Boy, I thought it was bad before!), and the physical therapist told me I needed to get back to my doctor for further testing, noting that he believed I had a bad disc and/or that something was pressing upon certain nerves. This was followed by four-five months of narrowing down exactly what was going on with my back. The wonderful doctor who did my discogram told me last week that he informed my GP that my pain was real. That tipped me off right away that perhaps my GP didn't believe me or thought I was making too big of a deal about a little pain. And that kind of hurt, because I've been going to my GP for several years now, and he knows that I don't just complain about nothing. In fact, I sat in his waiting room for over an hour one day to ask about some really, really bad abdominal pain I was having. Three hours later, I was on the table, and a doctor was performing an appendectomy. My GP was astounded that I hadn't gone over to the ER that morning. Maybe I should have reminded him of this incident. I will continue to persist, because at the age of 52, I'm too young to just sit around and allow the rest of my body to deteriorate. With a good amount of discipline, I've been able to avoid gaining weight even without the normal walking I was doing in the past. But I know I must pick up the pace for that to continue.

So, things are getting somewhat routine around here again, although my husband and I have decided to put off my trying to go back to work for a while to see how things work out. I had to quit my job in August when the pain got to be too much. Right now, I know I'm in no condition to return to the work I was doing before all this came up. (I am a lawyer, and I was clerking for the Chief Judge of the Court of Appeals of my state. I REALLY hated having to quit the job, but I hadn't been there long enough to qualify for any type of extended disability or sick leave. And the judge needed someone who was more on their toes than I was, I know that for sure. I think even the judge understood about my pain so much more than my GP. But then again, this particular judge is a special person, a very kind, true gentleman. He was a major part of the reason I hated having to quit my job.)

But I am excited in another way, because my husband is encouraging me to get back to my writing. I had not attempted to do much writing after my back got so bad, because it was all I could do to drag myself into work and try to deal with daily chores in the evenings and weekends, when I was having excruciating pain. Now, after going with me to a couple of doctor's visits, my husband seems to understand more than my GP just what is going on. And I love that hubby is encouraging me to return to my writing.

And -- I have what I believe is a fabulous idea for a story -- a twist that will hopefully make my anticipated mystery/suspense/thriller a little unique. I am reluctant to share this "twist" right now, because I don't want someone hearing about it and using it as their own inspiration to write a book with the same unique circumstances. I have, however, consulted with a local published author and teacher about my idea, and she has offered me great encouragement and advice. So I'm exited, because I like this book I will be writing, even though I haven't figured everything out yet. But I'm doing a little research and noting some things about my main characters. I even have a somewhat rough outline, which probably will be subject to change later. But at least it's a starting point. I'm already falling in love with the characters, and I can visualize them very clearly in my head -- what they look like, how they talk, their expressions and mannerisms..

So, I will use this journal to post my progress in writing my novel, as well as other short stories or poems. I recently have become very interested in writing poetry, and I was truly inspired by a workshop I attended last week featuring a published poet and college professor. He made me think about approaching poetry in a new way, at least for me, that is, because I've never really studied poetry writing. In fact, I have drafted one poem this week that will need quite a bit more editing. Although I don't think the poem is anything special, especially at this stage, I think it shows that I am starting to get the hang of it and that I learned quite a bit in the short poetry workshop I attended. I'm thinking that maybe sometime in the future, if I do start writing more poetry, I might be good to take one of this professor's poetry classes.

I am thrilled, to say the least, about writing! So I will see what I can do between visiting doctors, going to the pool for water aerobics, and doing my own exercises at home -- all those things as well as trying to keep up with the housework. I can't vacuum or mop anymore, and forget the painting I was hoping to get done. My husband has willingly taken over much of this, and I am very grateful for that. But because he still works six days a week, and he is a hard worker on the job and at home, I realize he has his own limits, and I am trying very hard to be respectful of that. At least I have been able to take back over the grocery shopping. Even if I'm in pain, I MAKE myself do it.

Now is the time when I wish we had downsized and were living in a smaller house. But that will come someday, and we both enjoy our house too much right now to give it up. We live on a dead end lane, where the homes are few and far between and set off by woods and ravines. It is beautiful here, and the deer and other wild life come right up to our back patio/wood deck. We also have the odd cat or raccoon or squirrel visiting our front door too.

So, hope that I can update this journal soon to show my progress.

If anyone is reading this and could provide me with words of encouragement in any way on writing, please, please feel free to do so.

I have looked at a few entries in other journals in livejournal.com, but I only recently became interested in opening my own journal. If you read my biography, you know that I am struggling with a writer's block, although there are writers who deny that any such thing even exists. I don't agree, because I have written fiction in the past. My problem now is that although I have the ideas, I have trouble developing the story once I start putting down on the blank page. I get so far into writing the story, but lately I always reach a point where I decide it's all garbage. Then I abandon the story.

I have in my mind now the very beginnings of an idea for a novel, and I hope to develop that idea within the next few weeks. I will be attending a writers' workshop in early November, and published authors will be available to evaluate my synopsis of the novel. Thus, I am hoping that if I get my synopsis written prior to the workshop, obtain feedback from the other more experienced writers, and keep doing whatever I have to do to stay focused while I write the darn thing (including charting my progress here), I may just succeed in actually finishing the novel. I also hope to start writing short stories off and on in the meantime. I haven't tried to write poetry, although I enjoy reading certain kinds of poetry. I attended a workshop recently where the leader, Sarah Willis, said that a poetry writing class could help us to develop our short story and novel writing skills. Thus, I probably will take some type of beginning poetry writing class whenever it is next offered at my writers' center.

Over the next few weeks, I plan to explore some of the communities and read others' journals so that I may join a few communities and "friend" other users. Feel free to friend me if you like what I have to say over the coming weeks and months, or you are welcome to comment on anything I have to say at any time. I especially appreciate advice on the writers' process and dealing with writers' blocks. I am interested in hearing how others work daily or near-daily writing into their routine.

All for now.